Ani

-I like the way that story is telling
- Is not about unclear or confusing. Just I´m wondering is this story a cliche? or Do you have a turning point?
- It could be nice if the end is not expecting from the audience.

Yza

Hello,
You have a great narrative, great voice and the actors are good indeed, love the drawings as well, looking forward at your next proposal with the finished touch how it is going to look like are there going to be more colors or graphics? great job congrats

Gabriel (1 like)

Seeing your submission I would actually love to get some advice from you if possible. How did you cast your voice actors? Where did you find these actors? How did you direct them to get these amazing performances?

Richard (1 like)

Hey Gabriel, all the voice acting is myself and my wife. I play all the male voices and my wife is the voice of Dr. Diaz. I started by writing the script, then recorded the dialogue in our laundry room (no echo) on the iPhone's native recording app. I was also pretty hyped on coffee when I recorded the dialogue. ;^)

Gabriel (1 like)

Are you guys actors? Or writers? Cause genuinely these are extremely good performances and dialogues!!

Richard

Thank you! I appreciate you saying that. No, I'm an animator and my wife is a graphic designer. Maybe we should start moonlighting as actors/voice actors. :^)

Gabriel

I second that!

Gabriel (2 likes)

This is an incredible submission and you all should feel extremely proud. I see a lot of thought and effort being put into the character design and the visual storytelling. Azrael's wings slowly blackening and turning into the grim reaper's mantle display their change in character in a subtle and fantastic way, how over time a being that was open and naive becomes closed-off and indifferent. Second, I absolutely love the dialogue and the performance, the casting and voice acting is incredible, so congratulations to the people who wrote, directed and performed these lines. The conflict is also very gripping and very well established, during the talk with Lucifer clear stakes are established and the character who is naturally abstinent from decision is thrown into a situation where they must decide, so congratulations on this relationship between conflict and character. The only feedback I'd give is that the movie only truly began after Lucifer's talk, that's when the inciting incident occurs and we are truly gripped by the story. This also means that this submission counts as an amazing Act I but we have yet to see Act II. I would say maybe shorten the beginning of the film or maybe even reduce the amount of narration. A suggestion I would give is to have Azrael talk with god in the moment of their inception, this way you could also introduce the relationship of Azrael with Heaven and Hell early on. But honestly your format is amazing right now. I would just maybe reduce the introduction and try to present information in a less expository way, make use of your amazing dialogue!!! p.s: Azrael's narration is also very well written as a character monologue, but it would still be better to have less of the narration.

Richard

This is great feedback. I'll do my best to incorporate it. Admittedly, Azreal's narration is a crutch so I can just finish the short, but I'll do my best to strip back as much as I can.

Gabriel

No problems Richard!! I think we are all pulling the crutch card at this point lol. Either way I'll love to see your complete story reel by the end of this! Also, could you give some feedback on my submission. It's Unbeelievable- by Gabriel Silva and Cameron Duenas on the Week 4 gallery.

Kim (1 like)

Wow, this feels like a story passed down for millenia. It has such a power to it. Absolutely gorgeous art. Really amazing job. I don't really have anything I'm confused about or to suggest. Keep it up! FYI, the video recorded quite a bit of extra time (and even repeats some of the dialog), keep it in mind for future submission -- in case you were wondering why it clocked in as long as it did.

Brit (1 like)

Hey a clip from this was featured at the start of the livestream. Really Incredible work. I'm especially enjoying your use of character dialog, I suggest you try to do more and more of this in your next version. But I do enjoy the narration for basic story framing. I think you can trim a few more narration bits out as you are sometimes both "telling and showing", for example @ 2:45 when the flame continues to burn I felt I didn't need the narration as the visuals were so strong there - it somehow took away from the drama of that moment (I would like just a music queue there). I would maybe try pulling all of it out, and then insert narration only where you absolutely need it. It might also help with pacing, which I feel you could speed up by around 15% (especially when you add your act three). can't WAIT for the end of this story

Richard

Thanks Brit! It sounds like a couple people agree that I could do with less narration. If I had more time to work on it, I'd love to strip back the narration and let the character performances drive the story. For now, it gets me closer to done, but I'll do my best to cut it back as much as I can. Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.

Brit

Yes it's such a strong story that I would focus on getting it finished, and then worry about stuff like this. Keep it up!

Carol (1 like)

AHH This is great! your character design, voices are working so well. I love this story. Great job!!.

Angelina (1 like)

This story is so good! The way you have narrated the characters voices really brings the story to life. The illustrations are amazing and the back and forth dialog between the different characters is spectacular. I am so impressed. Amazing job!