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What did you like or love about this submission?
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What suggestions do you have to make it stronger?
Miriam
I really like the story of Lauren and how not accepting the changes makes her withdraw into herself. Her drawing represents what her feelings would like to do, which is to play with the other children. But something holds her back, (because she doesn't want to leave her loneliness) and it is her drawing that opens her mind. I like the happy ending and I look forward to seeing the full story.
Mary
I love the sweet relationship of the girl with her mother and the natural conflict of having to transition to school. It feels unclear why her drawing of her mother was mischievous, when she was so kind in real life and how rembering the picture of her and her mom made her want to meet new kids rather than keep thinking about her absent mom. It'd be helpful to share what about the picture opened her mind to being brave in the midst of changes, were there people in the background of the picture that she didn't notice before? What about that made her branch out from feeling she could only be consoled by her mom?
Bill
Excellent story. I love how you took the loneliness that Lauren feels and it manifests into a physical being. I think this would be a great way to show a variety of audiences that our feelings can have an effect on our interactions with others. This is a story that many will connect with, as we have all had those moments of separation like Lauren has had. Just a suggestion, perhaps a moment with Lauren's mother to show that she too feels the same way as Lauren? This is an excellent story. Well done.
Tracy
I really love the story and the illustrations. I wonder if Lauren's mom made any attempt to prepare Lauren for what to expect while separated from her? What's unclear is whether the drawing being alive is what comforts Lauren? Does it show her how to open up and make friends? Nice work!
Angelina
This is a really interesting story with a great message at the end. I also really enjoy your illustrations and that you have added the script to the side. Having the option of being able to read along is a great added bonus that many people find helpful. Great job!
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Story Spine: First Day of School
1. Once upon a time there was a creative little girl named Lauren who had a doting mother. 2. Every day her mother would spend time with her and draw with her 3. Until one day she is forced to spend her first day separated from her mother when she is sent off to kindergarten at a new school 4. Because of that, Lauren feels extremely lonely and resorts to her one comfort: drawing. Miraculously, her loneliness manifests into a drawing that comes to life and begins roaming around the classroom 5. Because of that, Lauren tries to contain the little drawing but it runs off and interacts with other students, which frustrates Lauren and makes her feel embarrassed 6. Because of that she breaks down and angrily throws the drawing away hoping it will leave her alone 7. Until finally, the drawing comes back apologetically, and brings back the drawing Lauren drew of her mom, reminding her that she isn't alone 8. Ever since then, Lauren tries to be more open to change and tries to talk to other students knowing that though she won't be able to spend all her time with her mom anymore, she is not alone and that there are other experiences out there for her in school.
This is where the special thanks would go! I’m assuming they will be a little longer this week, therefore, I designed extra space for them. If there is far more description and special thanks then there is space, this entire box becomes scrollable.
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