Please provide final feedback to the creators of this submission below:
-
What did you like or love about this submission?
-
What did you find confusing or unclear?
-
What suggestions do you have to make it stronger?
Diego (1 like)
Hello Supercaliwhat, I'm giving feedback to your Week 7 submission.
I really like your story and it gives me the feeling that the mother is the one narrating it. Really love the ending where the girl is able to knock down the spacecraft with just a pin and a sling shot, the true spirit of a kid where everything is possible!
What I found unclear is that sometimes I would get lost because of the heavy narration. Maybe adding a bit more stablishing shots of where we are looking from the distance would help to see the inside and outside of the museum and adding a bit more details of buildings and objects on those same shots.
I think you are not far from the final submission for Week 8, your story is well rounded and is very nice, with relatable characters. My suggestion is to give a few lines to Dad, since we are expecting him to say something, to say sorry for being gone but I couldn't do it alone, or I tried to look at you from the sky, I missed you or something.
Great job!
-Team Raining Frogs Week 8 version,
https://www.storyxperiential.com/media/97fa95bf-6eea-44b3-ae75-bb6ebed70d6e
Jiwoo (1 like)
Hi Kim :)
I LOVED all the building up for the aliens! I could see how Jodi would definitely encounter some alien life! Also, I think Oliver's role here is so clear and well structured. It's very plausible and charming! So far, everything was clear to me, and the pacing of your story seems to be just right. Can't wait to see your act 3!
Álvaro (1 like)
Hi Kim! I love your story! I saw some scene last week on the video reel of the class. I find your plot so interesting and well developed. I hope Jodi's father Returns from space...There's so much to know! The drawings are so cute, and contribute really well to the storytelling. Gave me some vibes from Gravity Falls and Brave, mixed up, and I truly like it!! Can't wait to see want you come with next! Keep it up. Best Greetings!
Kim (1 like)
Wait - did you actually, for real, just compare my story to GRAVITY FALLS??? Only one of the BEST animated stories ever?????!!!!! I officially love you haha
THANK YOU!
Marijke (1 like)
Your story is great, Supercaliwhat! Love the characters and the story arc.
I agree with Katie: a little more information about the mom and her relationship with Jodi would be great. Does she really believe in the abduction? Or does she choose to believe?
Your drawings are so much fun. For someone who says she only just 'can' draw, the drawings are more often than not very visually clear and tell a great story.
Great work! I love to find out where this story is going.
Kim
Thanks! I love getting comments that converge with others'. It really makes it clear what I need to work on. Thank you so much!
Kim (1 like)
Thanks! I love that idea. Have to think of a way without going over time - hard! Thank you for commenting : )
Katie (1 like)
This is so cool. I love the idea, and Jodi’s personality and issues are clear and intriguing! It has all of the elements to a great 1st act. Maybe we could get into her relationship with her mom a bit more, just to get into why each of them feel the way they do about the existence of aliens.
Carol (1 like)
OH NO THEY TOOK OLIVER!!! - what happens next? ;-).. This is good. Will the dad return? will Oliver return? this is good. Great job. I have one thing to know, how come everyone knows that her dad was taking by aliens, was it on the national news? or are these just local people coming by?. Is the museum famous for this event?.
Kim
If I could love your comment I would haha I KNOW!!! POOR OLIVER! Thanks, this is a really good comment as Roswell may not be as famous as it was in my time? hehe. I will see about clarifying that.
Maria Teresa (1 like)
The voice is very nice and is very well narrated. It is even as if we were there in the desert and we saw the dog, with the UFO on top......I don't know how you did that.
I wander if you are going to make this tipe of drawings until the end..........
Kim (1 like)
LOL you mean will I draw some actual drawings? Oh man, I wish. The crazy thing is I signed up for a Pixar class and did not realize it would include drawing haha. I "can" draw but it takes me soooooooo loooooooongggg. I'll do my best ; p
Feedback will appear below after our team moderates them.
2) What you think about this submission:
Add New Comment
Week 6 "No such thing as aliens"
Once there was a young woman named Jodi who worked with her mom and their little dog Oliver at their family museum in Roswell, New Mexico.
Every day at work Jodi's mom checks visistors in, telling them about the great alien artifacts they can see in the museum. Jodi can barely keep from rolling her eyes as she passes out alien buttons.
Jodi moves on to give her talks about Roswell lore and the "alleged" UFO crash. A man recognizes her and says, "I remember you, didn't your dad used to work here? And look at you now, he must be so proud."
Jodi's smile fades a little and she says, "I wouldn't know, he's not around anymore."
Another person pipes up, "Your dad used to work here? I heard he got abducted by aliens a few years ago." Jodi mubles something about not believing in aliens, ends the talk abruptly, and walks away in tears.
Jodi comes back to the front where her mom is. Her mom puts her arm around her and asks her what's wrong. Jodi says, "People are saying dad was abducted by aliens again." Her mom says, "I know honey, and I know in my heart they're bringing him back." Jodi rolls her eyes, "Mom, seriously?"
Jodi slumps over the counter and pets Oliver, telling him, "You're the only one who gets me." Jodi's mom pats her on the back and says, "Your nephew Mulder's school group is coming tonight. These kids love stories about aliens and UFOs. Try not to crush their dreams."
Later that evening, Jodi is giving her astronomy lecture on the patio to her nephew's school group. The kids start pointing at mysterious points of light in the sky. They shout, "UFO, UFO!" When Jodi looks up, they're gone.
Jodi's nephew Mulder asks, "Aunt Jodi, is it true what your mom said that your dad was abducted by aliens? Is that why he left you?"
Jodi bends down and says, "Yeah, aliens took my dad, and they're coming for you next!" And she storms away.
At the registration desk, Jodi whispers angrily, "Mom, there's no such thing as aliens, UFOs are not real, and dad left us!" She throws her vest on the table and runs out. Oliver jumps off the desk and follows her out the door.
Jodi tears down a country road and pulls over at a railroad crossing. She jumps out of her truck and yells up at the sky, "Why! Why did you leave us?!"
The sky has no response, just stars, crickets, and the quiet of the desert. A coyote howls. She stomps angrily back to her pickup, not noticing as Oliver pricks up his ears and takes off into the night.
She turns the key to start her pickup but then it abruptly dies. She digs her phone out but it's also dead. That's when she notices, it's very, very quiet. She looks around suspiciously.
All of a sudden her pickup is bathed in bright light. She squints up into the light. "What's a police helicopter doing out here?"
Just as quickly as it begins, it's over. A coyote howls again, only closer this time. She tries the key again and it starts. She takes off back down the country road toward the museum.
She's flying back toward town when a coyote crosses in front of her. She screeches to a halt and suddenly realizes, "Oliver!" She left him back at the railroad crossing.
She makes a quick turn and drives back faster than ever, scolding herself. "How could I be so stupid, there's coyotes everywhere!"
But she cuts herself off again and comes to another screeching halt, her eyes and mouth wide open.
Ahead of her, a bright beam of light iluminates her dog Oliver, who's standing in the middle of the road, barking up at a huge, hovering disk.
She watches in horror as her little dog is levitated off the ground. Oliver, still barking, is raised up into the sky, closer and closer to the hovering craft.
This is where the special thanks would go! I’m assuming they will be a little longer this week, therefore, I designed extra space for them. If there is far more description and special thanks then there is space, this entire box becomes scrollable.
Special Thanks:
Team:
Supercaliwhat
Kim
Share
